Relationships

WHY SOME RELATIONSHIPSHAVE CHALLENGES !(In detail!)

1. We simply HAVEN’T BEEN TAUGHT THE SKILLS TO MAKE THEM WORK! Relationships are no different to a job or a career where we need certain skills for them to be successful!

2. Sometimes WE ENTER THEM FOR UNBENEFICIAL REASONS:
   1. maybe wanting something out of them rather than focusing on what we can put into them!

      This will show up quite often when a relationship doesn’t work, and the person with the money is “made to pay” by the other who feels for various reasons (being in blame is one) that they are “owed some-thing!”

   2. People also enter them out of need, fear and/or guilt! IF I HAVE A FEAR OF “LOSS” IN A RELATIONSHIP AND DON’T LEARN HOW TO DEAL WITH THE FEAR APPROPRIATELY I COULD ACTUALLY DRAW THAT SITUATION TO ME UNCONSCIOUSLY!
   3. Because some of us are “Codependant” (one aspect of this is being more focused on outside of ourselves – maybe “worrying” about helping/saving others rather than “working” ourselves out – we often tend to attract relationships/situations where there is unbeneficial behaviour (and where our partner will “need saving”) AND WE PUT UP WITH IT – often excusing it for some reason! We could form a relationship where alcohol or abuse (mental/emotional or physical) is a problem and subtly think we can change it!!
3. WE DON’T DISCUSS MAJOR ISSUES AND RESOLVE ANY DIFFFERENCES we may have before we get serious and/or get married – like how many children we want, where we are going to live, who handles the money and so on! We seem to think “it will all work out later on” and often it doesn’t! Also whether money is the main focus in one’s life or more esoteric things – a “money-orientated” person with someone who is interested in more non-material things could be a challenge!
4. EXPECTATIONS – WE TEND TO EXPECT OUR PARTNERS TO “MAKE US HAPPY, SAFE AND SECURE” by fulfilling our needs and we expect them to know what these are even when we don’t know what they are ourselves!

   N.B. Be aware that on “another level” we know that we can’t meet someone else’s needs – for instance a person who is extremely “needy” will end up usually pushing their partner away – the latter, because of feeling pressured, will be withdrawing and retreating as fast as they can!

5. Getting into BLAME of others when something doesn’t work out in our relationships rather than TAKING RESPONSIBILITY for our part in it and looking at how to RESOLVE THE SITUATION! (Maybe by recognising why we are angry – “owning it” – and releasing it in a beneficial way, and then using communication to “clear” what’s not working!)
6. WE WILL OFTEN SUBTLY CHANGE OURSELVES INTO SOMEONE ELSE: whom we think will be more acceptable and lovable to our partners and/or
7. WE WILL TRY AND CHANGE OUR PARTNERS: into someone we think will be more acceptable to us and to those around us!
8. WE FIND OUT THAT STAYING IN OUR CONTROL BEHAVIOURS (TO STAY SAFE/SECURE) WON’T WORK:
   1. Firstly the reason we stay in them is because they are the only way we know (unconsciously) of getting our needs met and as a means to stay safe on an inner level.
   2. We find that as adults staying in them doesn’t work for a number of reasons:
      1. Always “WITHDRAWING” TO STAY OUT OF CONFRONTATION won’t work because we tend not to resolve what is not working for us!!
      2. If we are “Pleasing” and doing things that we don’t really want to do in order to “keep our partners happy” rather than feeling comfortable about being “up front” about what it is that we would rather do, we will find that usually we wind up firstly being irritated, then angry and finally, if we don’t know how to handle the latter, we’ll end up feeling really resentful!
      3. We find that staying in the extremes of behaviours doesn’t work for us and we don’t know how to get a BALANCE within them!
      4. We find that using behaviours such as Pleasing and Saving to get our needs met of appreciation and acknowledgement and even choosing to be a Perfectionist to keep us safe from criticism, won’t work – and the reason why trying to get our needs met from someone else doesn’t work is explained whilst learning the skills to make relationships work!

         At about the same time we find out that no amount of pleasing for instance is ever going to “be enough” to satisfy others mainly because how much “is enough” – where “does enough end” and we hear ourselves complaining that I did so and so etc., and the person didn’t even say ‘thank you’ – didn’t even appreciate what I did!”

9. NOT BEING ABLE TO OWN AND HANDLE OUR ANGER: often being afraid of anger plus usually being unaware of how to release anger in a beneficial way where we are not hurting anyone or anything either physically or verbally means that we often end up in resentment! AND WITH THIS COMES AN AUTOMATIC SHUT-DOWN IN COMMUNICATION – who feels like talking or resolving anything when feeling resentful? In many cases “Withdrawal” is then used as a means of coping with what seems like an unsolvable situation instead of using other more appropriate skills to resolve what’s not working!

   (N.B. It is wise to remember that it is also impossible to resolve something/anything that is not working for us WHEN WE ARE FEELING ANGRY – we need to learn how to let go of anger harmlessly before attempting to solve any “challenge!”)

10. SHUT DOWN IN COMMUNICATION: due to
    1. BEING FEARFUL in the first place, about speaking up about all “those small things” that aren’t working for us and that build up as time goes by and cause us irritation! We could BE FEARFUL because of the REACTION we will get if we say something so we “put off” saying anything AND SO THE RESENTMENT GROWS! We could be in fear of criticism or even loss of love in the relationship – we might think they won’t like us – if we say something/speak up! OR WE COULD BE FEARFUL OF OTHERS BEING ANGRY!
    2. As explained not dealing with anger and ending up in resentment!
    3. And NOT KNOWING HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITHOUT BLAMING!!

       OFTEN AT THIS STAGE IT IS EASIER TO GET OUT AND LOOK FOR A NEW RELATIONSHIP!

       THE CHALLENGE IS THAT WE WILL USUALLY REPEAT THE WHOLE PROCESS ALL OVER AGAIN – OR SOMETHING VERY SIMILAR! WE WILL DO THIS UNTIL WE WAKE UP AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE SITUATION WE ARE IN AND ASK THE QUESTION OF OURSELVES “WHAT CAN I/WE DO?!”

       N.B. It is worth being aware of the fact that we will often “marry a parent” and try to “right” what we subtly didn’t think worked for us as a child. If I had a quiet and withdrawn father I could be attracted to someone similar, thinking that I can change that person into someone more open and more able to communicate with me – to recreate my childhood in a different and “better” way!

       The scary part is that if we do not become aware and balance out our Control Type Behaviours which we used as children to get our needs met and to stay safe, and which we do our best “to clear” on our partners, we will simply pass some form of them onto our children – the next generation – as dysfunctional behaviour (behaviour that doesn’t work for them or for that matter for anyone else around them!)

“Skills for Living for Life!”